As many know I am a mom of three beautiful children. Becoming a mother has been a joy but also a place of triggers. A lot moms (and dads) experience triggers in their motherhood journey but don’t speak on it due to being judged. So how do I personally handle triggers while being a mom?! Here are my tips that I hope inspire you.
When did I notice my triggers?
My oldest was a happy baby. I was at the time of her birth wasn’t emotionally prepared for her as much as I thought. I bought what she needed a lot of it on my own. In preparation for her space I made sure physically she was good to go. I wasn’t fully ready emotionally. I didn’t understand until her birth that I would need therapy until I was almost a year into it.
If you remember my blog, 5 years in Philly you will remember the many changes I had been dealing with. As my daughter went from an infant who was constantly sick to a toddler is when I noticed. God gave me this happy baby to a mom who hadn’t healed and it showed up as she started to walk. In my house growing up there was yelling and sternness. My mother who was a single mother at birth dealt with us from an independent stance. She wanted us to do for ourselves and we did. The strength she gave us wasn’t always met with softness and I started to exude it with my toddler.
Emotional Triggers
As a mom it’s important to not only be strong but to show your child/ren love and admiration. My oldest thrived off of kisses and hugs. My parents showed me they loved me but not in the way that I felt softness from them. So as my oldest started requiring it I felt as if it was becoming harder. I gave her what she needed emotionally it just didn’t feel natural. Fast forward to the second child on the way and my postpartum journey. I asked myself how was I supposed to share this love that I was struggling.
Through postpartum depression therapy I started to peel back what I wanted as a child and reconnected that to my children. Hugs became natural and on top of that I learned to not holler as much. Talking to my children instead of talking at them became easier to do.
C-Section and N.I.C.U Stay
Another part of my bonding experience was the lack of being able to hold my daughter at birth. I had a c-section and she was whisked off to the NICU with me only being able to hold her hand. There was no skin to skin contact. In addition I started to pump milk and I felt more like a store than anything. This contributed to me feeling overwhelmed and not as attached. She was in the NICU for a few days but it still made me feel a distance initially until she came home.
Many moms feel this way. Again society makes it hard to say it out loud. To say it is to mean you dislike or hate your child. That wasn’t my case. I loved my child but needed to heal the little girl inside of me.
Therapy and Help
My biggest tool to help me past all of it was therapy. I talked about my childhood in ways that made me feel safe. I didn’t have to worry about someone disagreeing with my experience. Even with my parents possibly reading this blog, it’s my experience. My therapist suggested a few ways to help like journaling my thoughts. She encouraged me to make efforts to express my love to my children. This is how even at a young age I started mommy and me dates. To this day I allow my children to freely express their feelings about my parenthood without judgement.
A rule that I have is that if I’m correcting them and they disagree they must give a cool off period. This is to avoid back and forth. I’m about expressing not going back and forth with my children.
Childlike Behavior
I learned in therapy that many life changes triggers you and childbirth is common. My therapist suggests that many people should seek therapy before they get married or have children. Had I known that I would have signed up. Unbeknownst to my family, I invested in parenting classes. These classes helped me to find appropriate behavior modifications for my children. It taught me how to interact with them. The things that my kids would do I learned were normal. The expectation of them to do more slowly left.
I’ll give an example. I saw on Instagram of a child being able to pour milk in a glass. The child couldn’t be more than 3-4 years old. As the spill happened the father didn’t scold the child. He cleaned it up, congratulated the try, and helped navigate the child on the next try. As a kid I wouldn’t have been able to do that without being yelled at for doing something a child would do. That’s my opinion. The comments section aligned with my childhood. We were taught to do as told and the mistake margin wasn’t there.
My tips to inspire
If you feel like this you’re not alone. There are ways to help:
- Therapy
- Support groups
- Journals
- Talking to other moms who parent with same beliefs as you do
- Engaging your partner in your feelings
- Parenting classes
Whatever you choose to do, know you’re not alone. Get help early. My children are my world. Anyone who knows me knows that. I go out of my way to make sure I treat them with the utmost respect. They are able to express themselves without being disrespectful. I also teach them disagreement doesn’t equate to disrespect. We still do mommy and me dates.
They sit on me, hug on me, and all of it. I receive them and love on them back. When I’m overwhelmed I don’t hide it. I tell them mommy is stressing and needs a minute. Also when I’m done, I go back to them. If I’m feeling overstimulated by the constant touching I reassure them that I need to reset and come back letting me set the boundary without neglecting their advances. Instead of a right away break I wait a few minutes then take the break. The worst thing I want to do is cut my child off at showing affection.
Different types of Triggers
Your trigger could be in other ways like seeing your partner with your children and wishing you had that as a kid. Some moms (parents of any kind) struggle with giving their kids everything because they feel as if they didn’t have much as a kid. There are many triggers and many ways to address them. You aren’t alone. Being the best mom to my children comes from me being honest, taking care of myself, and being vigilant in my own personal time, walking in my gifts outside of parenting, and making a life outside of title of Mom. As always I wish you well in your journey.
