So it’s no secret that I’m in therapy. I have been vocal about therapy. It’s important to me to speak up and out about it so other people will feel comfortable and unashamed. So let’s do a dive into therapy and why I’m in it!
Decision to Attend Therapy
This pandemic has been doing a number on my mental space. Between missing my family, increased agitation of being quarantined and still dealing with traumas I felt therapy was truly necessary. It was an easy decision but it’s not so streamlined to find a therapist. I went through my husbands Employee Assistance Program (EAP) because I knew I would be able to get a referral to a therapist quicker than the traditional way.
Therapy Sessions
I’ve said this in the podcast, Conversations with Toi, the sessions vary. Some sessions I feel so relieved and better that I have a lot of energy. Often times I’m relieved but feel sad and I’m very tired. My sessions are closer to 7 or 8 in the evening and I’ve been known to fall asleep right after. It’s draining to pour your heart out. So far I’ve limited to once a week sometimes once every 2 weeks! I do feel as if it’s helping.
Goals of Therapy
My personal goals are to heal the parts of me that needs healed. I do feel like with all of this idle time or being safe at home has ignited the issues that I was dealing with before. It’s almost as if the parts I’ve thought I had healed from are creeping up. I’m working to realize if it’s just a memory that comes up or truly unforgiveness that I need to deal with. It’s tough to be honest.
Unforgiving How to Heal
My therapist has told me that I’m Desmond with being unforgiving. It’s a hard pill to swallow. I’ve been in a bit of denial. I’m being honest and that’s where I am. I see it as forgiveness especially for those I have a relationship with. I’ve been super hurt and justifiably upset about a lot of issues. However none of it will be an excuse to continue existing daily in this manner. So I’m working through it daily! So how do you heal from being unforgiving-make a conscious decision to try.
Honesty with Yourself
I’ve had to be honest. If you’re dealing with pain you will too. It’s not as easy. Having to say certain words to speak the honesty is hard. I’m coming to terms that even the people I have daily conversations with there is still harbored issues. There’s a small amount of guilt on my part. The guilt of feeling as if I should have been further along the journey than I am! However as long as I try my best I know eventually it will level out. I want to be whole. In order to be whole I have to reconcile these broken pieces!
Is My Therapist a Good Fit?
I’m sure he will read this or maybe he won’t! He wasn’t initially. I’ve given advice to give your therapist time to see if you like him or not. In the beginning like first session it wasn’t. It was clear that we had different sense of personalities. I like more solution style and he was more laid back and elusive. I’ve given him time and now although it’s clear we will always have personality clashes. One thing is he’s not my friend and he doesn’t need to be.
So as intense as my sessions have been it’s been necessary. I have to be able to take care of myself. Therapy is one of the methods I’ve been using. For those I can speak to about the issues that therapy has revealed, I have them. Some conversations I don’t feel I will be able to have them. So this means healing from a place of never having closure! That’s sometimes hard to acknowledge too! For all of those who are in therapy, keep going no matter what. For those who feel that they don’t need it, get into therapy. We all aren’t perfect and need help healing.
