It could be my background of living in a home where there wasn’t much held back but nothing irks me more than back handed and undermining comments and compliments. It’s rude, distasteful, and shows where we lack an ability to speak authentically.
No you’re pretty for a dark skin girl or you’re awesome mom given the circumstances comments are okay! Either give a worthy compliment or not. Don’t ride the middle. Don’t give a compliment or a comment that comes with contingents. It’s undermining and it never leaves people feeling good. We have to understand the power that comes from our tongue. It’s one of the things I work on sometimes the most.
My face usually reveals what I feel so with that in mind I always have to take a deep breath before speaking. If I don’t feel bold saying it than it’s a clear indication that it doesn’t need to be said. It’s annoying but it’s necessary to be clear when I speak and be intentional with my word choice.
I teach my children to do the same even among family. I also allow them to speak up for themselves in a non-disrespecting manner. Even if it’s an elder they have a right to not accept undermining comments and compliments. Long gone in my house is this notion that an elder can undercut a child. As much as I don’t allow my children to be in the presence of “grown” conversations, I also don’t allow grown ups to say anything just because they are kids. Being an elder means you show love and respect in the way you carry yourself. When you don’t you will at minimum he held responsible or not have access to my kids. We aren’t talking about if my kids are in the wrong and an elder corrects them type of stuff. We are talking about being too loose with your word choice and using the “they will get over it; they’re just kids” mentality to continue bad behavior. Correction over disrespect isn’t ok. You can correct and leave a kid with the sting of that correction without being disrespectful. The same holds true with adults!
I had an elder say something to my kids that even as an adult who can speak and push back on, left me upset. I spoke up for them and the elder didn’t like it. They was undermining them. It wasn’t ok! It wasn’t going to be allowed. There isn’t a relationship alive where I would green light bad behavior like that. How can I teach my kids not to settle for bad behavior and not mirror that in front of them. If I don’t speak up I teach them that it’s allowed based on relationships. That isn’t true! It doesn’t matter if it’s me call me out respectively.
How much more when we as adults undermine one another. This one up mentality or the power to be passive aggressive has to stop. Speak and if your speech can’t stand on its own it’s not a good idea to say it. Also just because you wake up and decided to be passive aggressive it’s not ok for others to be okay with the behavior just to appease one another.
We are responsible and have a responsibility with our words! We have to be willing to be right in our word choice and say a rightful apology when necessary. We have to adjust ourselves to one another. We have a right to remove ourselves from anyone who doesn’t understand it or won’t walk in accordance to simple respect!
As you begin to start your week don’t just check someone on this but check yourself more. Everything should be about having an leveled playing field! Speak and handle people the way you would want to be handled. When you find that your words come off harsh and it’s going to happen say sorry AND change your behavior!!
Other examples of undermining:
- You look nice for pulling it together so quickly
- Your kids are good but I def did a better job than you
- You’re a better girlfriend than at least 2 girlfriends back
- I love the way you do your hair even if it’s too short for my taste
- I love your jacket even if it’s not as nice as mine
- Congrats on your engagement sure took him long enough
- Your wedding was nice in a small cozy type way
Happy Sunday let’s check our words and word uses!
