Here is some help for my Mom friends. When I first had my oldest daughter it was a hard pill to swallow. I wasn’t expecting the pregnancy but when I found out I did everything I could to ensure the baby would be protected. In my mind I was well ready to take on this blessing but I didn’t realize that changing diapers and feedings was the least of my concerns.
My oldest
Raw Truth on Being a Mom
When people talk about motherhood they talk about all the beautiful moments. It makes people who want to be a mom gush. However my life changed in ways that I wouldn’t understand. My oldest was born 6 weeks early and was in NICU. I was devastated. Everything I had done to keep her safe I felt immediate guilt. No one I had personally known had to leave their baby at the hospital. After leaving her I learned my twin and I was in NICU but at the time of leaving my baby it felt lonely. I had a great support system but the tears were there, and that didn’t stop me at night when I wondered what was happening with her. It was difficult.
My oldest and middle child my son
Homeward Bound
When it was time to take her home I was overjoyed. She had so many future hospital visits but I just remained steadfast in knowing whatever she needed it was my job to be there. I had no idea about self-care like I do now. There was no notion to take mental breaks. I was like a winding clock. By the time I moved to Philadelphia, pregnant with her brother I was in deep, deep mess mentally and didn’t know it. No support system and feeling alone my oldest daughter felt the brunt of my pain. I never hit her because I didn’t believe in for her but I was angry and didn’t realize that she was observing me and absorbing my anger. My oldest is the happiest child and I couldn’t understand what to do with this happy baby beyond keeping her alive.
The whole bunch all 3 of my heartbeats
Hey Mom, Kids Are Smarter
One day I was so angry over my decisions and indecisive and my daughter looked at me and said “mommy why so sad?” I looked at her and said I don’t know! There was no knowledge of what a trigger was. I knew she couldn’t understand adult issues but she was smart and could feel me. At the time I called very small amounts of trusted friends to help me. One of them suggested counseling. I laughed because I was always taught to keep your business indoors. However at the birth of the second child that anger was a force and I was beyond small mood changes. It was postpartum depression.
My oldest daughter and middle child my son
Therapy and Mom
Therapy isn’t something you do and all of a sudden you’re better. The guilt of what damage I had done to my oldest in just her seeing me a mess would make me feel so bad. So I got her child therapist to see if they could determine if she was affected. Although it was minor I made a decision to deal with my issues. I needed to be the mom my kids needed and not the mom I told myself they needed. I had to mirror wholeness for them to walk in it! Pictures I posted showed this mom who was mastering meals, field trips with the family, smiles all around and I was healing. My healing didn’t appear overnight. Seeing my kids happy actually was a trigger. Although I haven’t spoken on my why, one day I will, I’m grateful for having to use the tools of therapy.
My oldest and I
New Mom Life
Every Mother’s Day I use as a reset. I communicate with my children about therapy. Letting them know they have to be able to talk to me and their dad or we would help them get answers if they need it too. I can’t say I don’t experience triggers even with therapy but I will say I recognize them much easier. I am able to go right into a plan to help push through and deal with them.
So many would say why speak on it but there’s another triggered mom who doesn’t understand her own pain and is holding that in. I believe emotional and mental abuse is real. If I can be honest and give her the strength to get help than so be it! I would rather be honest than lie. I would rather say yes the struggle is real but my kids are worth my wholeness! If I can keep them in a true happy environment it would mean more to me than anything in life.
My oldest in daycare
So if you are that mom not even understanding your own pain, please understand I get you! I get that above outside filters when you close the door of your home you have to be able to make sure your home isn’t a house of horror. I want my kids to respect me and love me not because of pure fear but because they know I truly care and show my love in how I deal with them! My daughter saved my life! My mini me keeps me accountable! I admire her beauty for the truly beautiful soul and I am honored I was chosen to be a tool to her and her siblings greatness!
So for my Mom friends is does get better.
