I share this post for those who like me deal with anxiety and how it may show up in your parenting style. Often times as the adults in the scenario we are supposed to have it all figured out. That couldn’t be far from the truth. In many cases, I’m having to be honest with my children. Sometimes letting them know when that I’m experiencing anxiety, or overstimulated, etc. It doesn’t deflect me from being the parent. It makes me human to share so they can process when anxiety comes to them.
Parental Anxiety and Guilt
I have talked to my therapist about my anxiety and guilt. Parenting them differently from my parents is a trigger for me. Not that my parents were the worst parents on the planet because they weren’t. However taking a step from the traditional way of parenting makes me feel as if I am not doing it correctly. Instead of yelling, I talk to them and and allow them to ask questions. The child in me heals as I see them have that freedom to respectively speak up. There have been a few times when I felt like it crossed over into disrespect and I speak to them on it. The guilt that my parenting style which I hope is allowing them to learn how to talk to others makes me question myself often.
My therapist makes me aware the guilt that I am feeling is something that will take time to work through. I went into many sessions thinking that again I was wrong and was looking to be corrected. As parents we are often hard on our choices. It is because at the end of the day it’s about raising well adjusted children who can speak up, understand their feelings, and not feel stifled.
Parental Retreat/Time Out
I never grew up in a house where we could take time outs. There was very limited times that I was taught that it was okay to feel big feelings and learn how to process them. As a parent I am reconciling that with my children. Things like teaching them to learn that it’s okay to step back. Lessons of reassuring them to take time to process and letting them know you aren’t ignoring them during that time is key too. Kids take silence as a punishment if you don’t teach them how to process. However as a parent I too need a moment. I take them too!
One of the techniques my therapist taught me to do is use numbers or colors to show that time out. For instance I will say, “I’m at a 7 and I want to get to a 3 or 4.” For my youngest I have been saying, “Mommy is getting to red and I want to get to a pink!” These are things that they can understand. When I take that time out I set an alarm. It helps me to make sure that I am not speaking to them in anger. Process the real issue that is occurring and find a viable solution. Some of the solutions are going to be in correcting the behavior. It could also be in being clear as a parent too.
The Debate on Gentle Parenting
I am not an expert. For me it’s important to share these moments in hopes it helps another parent struggling. The debate on gentle parenting has been heating up on the Internet. People assume gentle parenting means that you are allowing your children to do as they please with no boundaries. It’s the opposite. To be honest, I am not even sure if I am a gentle parent. However regulating my own feelings, points of anxiety, and keeping a safe space in my home is important. That is the type of parent that I am. Not saying things that I don’t mean, hurting my children’s feelings intentionally, or calling them out of the name I gave them aren’t apart of my parental plan.
Apologizing while Parenting
My parents generation and those before them were taught that kids were to be seen and not heard. Therefore if a mistake was made there was little to no apologies being made. In our home we speak about what an apology is. If I apologize for losing my temper it’s important for me to be active in keeping my composure or take that parental time out to gather my thoughts. Apologizing over and over again but not being active in changed behavior is not an apology. It’s important for children to know that they matter. They are humans with feelings. If you say or do something it’s important for me to respect them enough to acknowledge my shortcomings.
This doesn’t mean that I have it all figured out. I am on the same on the job training that all parents are experiencing. However I am open to being coachable. There is no way I am parenting from a my way or the highway mentality for everything. My children deserve to feel love, see love, and give love. Do what works in your home. Showcase love and provision. Remember that telling your kids of what you do for them isn’t going to work. Not one child asked to come Earthside.
No Perfect Parent
So be the parent and take care of them without using it as a badge of honor or a point of guilt. Either you are taking your time parenting well adjusted children that don’t have to be guilted into respect or you’re not. Respect is a two way street. Do your best. Be honest with yourself and them. Love on these babies. So many of them are struggling to find safe spaces-it should be found in your home. This blog is not about who is the better parent. The blog is written to encourage parents to do their best!
