It’s a beautiful thing to discover a fault. It’s also one thing recognize the wrong doing but to also make a conscience decision to not only to say sorry but to turn from the fault and do the right thing in changing the behavior. I know a few folks missed a few steps in this short paragraph so in order to reconcile there are steps. We also going to also talk about reconciling from afar too.
Discover/Recognize a Fault
Most times you know when you have offended someone. A face change, a smirk, an attitude change, tears, or a direct argument is how you know you have offended someone. There are other issues too when people do things like overt disrespectful tones in addition to being contentious. For me contentious people are my new trigger. I am talking about folks who literally lay wait to pick a fight about flowers, water, and air or anything else that moves.
Contentious Folks
Contentious folks rub everyone wrong. If you ever follow them especially on social media, they literally are like a social media eye sore. Either way people know most times when you are doing something to others. We have to get past this notion that you “didn’t know.” Now yes there are times where a one side issue but even than you still know. So let’s acknowledge. You can’t reconcile without acknowledgment.
Changed Behavior
So you know you are wrong. You have said the most. You have done the most. Chaos has ensued. You are super wrong and you know it. Now that you know what are you going to do? You can’t simply acknowledge it and not change the behavior. If you go to someone and simply say I know I am wrong and do nothing that is what its like to hear the words sorry with no changed behavior. Its a waste of time for both the person saying it and even more for the one hearing it. What is the point? Did you say it to make yourself feel better? What is the plan? If you don’t plan on doing right by people there is no need in false apologies.
Apologize or Not?
I have taught my kids to apologize when they are wrong if they understand the wrong, feel bad for the wrong and plan to change the behavior that brought out the bad deed. Some adults need to relearn that lesson. The best apology is changed behavior and not sweet speeches. I used to have a high threshold for accepting unacceptable behavior. I used to think that certain relationships or certain statuses meant that this cycle of lying forgiveness had to continue. The second I got tired mixed with counseling sealed the deal. I am always taking stock of the relationships around me. If they don’t align and the forgiveness lie train circles back around at almost 40 my ability to entertain the mess goes real quick!
Forgiveness from Afar
This was a struggle for me. I always thought how will you know if the person has changed? You have to be around them to give them another shot. My therapist said stop being around people, cut their access off and if they still having imaginary issues with you in your absence that’s one of the biggest things that will tell you what you need to need. How will you know if you’re not around them? They will go out of their way to attempt to let you know and usually through others around you. The same can be said for issues that you yourself has caused or issues you are having with other too. If you aren’t around others and you keeping up imaginary issues that can’t be happening you have to recognize that you may be the carrier of issues that need to be dealt with too. Out of the heart the mouth speaks. Imagine an imaginary tape recorder following you and recording what you say, who you speak about, and the issues you speak on-those soft spots are the issues you haven’t fully gotten over even when in your mind you feel as if you have!
Wish Them Well
You can forgive someone, mean them well, have nothing inside of you feel pain or ill will towards a person in thought, conversation, and deed and do all of that from afar. I am not about to dine with someone who I can’t trust. I will not have you in my space. I can discover a snake and walk backwards out and leave that snake alone. I do not have to sit with a person to make that person feel forgiven.
High Stress or Death
When there is death people push you to forgive others around you because its the thing to do. When Kobe died everyone pushed the narrative that life is short, bury the hatchet. Reread the previous paragraphs and realize that death is painful and the final separation here on Earth. If you are given the opportunity to be on your death bed and know its imminent that not only is forgiveness on your mind its in your heart. However that doesn’t mean that the stuff that was done on the high thought of moving past either.
At the end of the day
I know that sounds wrong but if I am on my death bed-I want to have a clear mind but I may have the ones who mean the most to me on my heart and mind and not an argument or issue from a few years back. I don’t allow someone to use death as a means to push the forgiveness incentive with people in my life who don’t apply the above steps. We hopefully want to be better and are gifting peace to all but death isn’t the green light to let habitual line steppers full access. Forgiveness doesn’t mean be a fool but don’t be foolish not to learn that forgiveness frees you most.
So happy reconciliation day but make it count for the right reasons!
