Good Monday morning. What an amazing way to start to get ready for your day than a blog or a podcast. As we approach the holiday of Thanksgiving it’s important that we keep in mind that not everyone will express joy this season. There are a lot of reasons as to why people struggle. If you are struggling you may too feel that most people around you don’t share in your pain. How do we express pain or joy and keep in consideration those around us?
Being Mindful of Others
You don’t always have to walk in other people’s shoes to have empathy. We have to be mindful of the things that we say and what we post. There are some of us who carry pain in strong ways. We need to be mindful of others. Not everyone is doing well but they may be great at hiding what they are going through. Although you can’t account for their pain don’t be malicious in your word choice. Sometimes we say and do petty things and don’t think twice in how that might hurt someone we know. Be considerate that your spouse’s behavior around the holiday may change. a loved one that is dear to you may withdraw. Also a friend may not be as quick with communication as he or she is processing another holiday that is filled with pain, trauma, or regret.
Extend Grace
Grace is such a small and yet powerful word and action. Sometimes if not often times we are having to extend grace to others even when the ones on the receiving end’s actions are at their worse. That in itself is the point. Extending grace to others when things are well doesn’t really even make sense. Grace is for those hard or difficult moments or exchanges. This doesn’t mean allowing people to simply continue in a habit of bad moments and energy exchanges either. However when people are acting out all reaction and actions is a form of communication. For instance my husband is really sad around the Thanksgiving and other holidays. He lost his mother 5 years ago around this time.
Encourage Processing
When the Thanksgiving and other holidays comes around he is present but has moments where he needs to tap out. I notice his temper flares or that he is agitated easily. He has a pattern of normally being present and loving. So instead of me taking things personal or matching his energy I extend grace. Little things like encouraging a therapy session, encouraging healthy behaviors like taking a nap, me time, or suggesting a television show or movie that brings that joy back are all ways of extending grace. None of those actions will bring his mother back but showing that grace and letting him know I hear him and I understand helps. He is able to find little joy knowing he is supported. I have found he is able to process better without feeling guilty that his processing is taking him away from his family. This helps him to exhale.
Be Supportive This Thanksgiving
Sometimes when we are others are going through difficult moments we want to go in and fix it. I know women especially being natural nurturers want to stop the pain from happening. In the real world, pain is inevitable. Sometimes our jobs with those around us isn’t to fix but support. This means that sometimes a kind word or a hug or whatever method we use, aren’t always going to make it better. Be okay with that. Even with dealing with our own pain. even well placed intention isn’t enough. Healing comes in waves. There are times when the waves simply have to run its course. Be vigilant in doing healthy mind and body practices until the emotional wave calms. Every bad wave subsides in due time. The uncomfortableness that we feel is hard but it will pass.
Not Every Storm has a Plan
I am a planner. I thrive better with plans. Life has messy moments. Not all things good or bad can be fixed with a plan. For instance no one plans to not be able to see loved ones when you can’t. Life simply happens. Not everyone plans for a loved one to no longer be present. Life evolves in ways that can feel like the weight is overwhelming. So plans can be destroyed in an instance. Extending personal grace is a great way to be able to do it for others. When plans fail it’s during those times when you discover yourself and others. I have had moments of life testing me and found what I was made of. I also found my true friends.
Note: some friends that we think aren’t there for us during a storm is also telling that sometimes we change in storms too. We like to say that people aren’t there for us but it could be they weren’t capable to walk in that storm in the way we envisioned. Example: your friend may not be able to see you past their own pain. I had a friend who had lost a loved one and the other friend felt betrayed that she wasn’t there for her when her husband left. Both women had heavy loads and it’s often times unfair to ask or expect someone to drop their load and carry ours. This is when grace steps in. Understanding that not everyone is capable of carrying you the way you want or need to be carried.
Do What’s Best for You
This Thanksgiving do what is best for you. Communicate what you need. Also understand that not everyone will be able to meet you at your needs too. If your spouse or friend is distant and you are aware why-try to understand. Ask yourself if all things considered is this the friend or spouse that you are aware of? If no is there grace that we can put in its place until they come back to themselves. This is of course outside of anything that is abuse. Abuse of any kind is not a moment of grace outside of gracing yourself a safety and exit plan.
For the holidays including Thanksgiving sometimes throwing tradition out the window helps too. Our traditions are rich in love but in the midst of a trigger may be the last thing you want to engage in. It’s okay to develop a personal plan that works best for where you are.
