When I was in my late teens I would hear the people at church talking about being “single and satisfied.” I even read the book by Michelle McKinney Hammond called “Sassy, Single, and Satisfied.” I never witnessed people being happy about being single even though they were preaching the message. So how do we live in a society where as a woman you are questioned about marriage and children as a badge of honor and choose themselves should they desire?
Single and Misery
Like I said growing up they said to be satisfied being single because your spouse would soon come not because you could have fun in your single years. Yet those women would talk openly about counting down to being married. Not once did I see those same women travel, enjoy life, make sure they took care of themselves and more. Just women waiting for marriage and complaining along the way. Flash forward, being in a marriage minded church it messed up the way I saw being single. I too for a brief moment believed the same. Women who couldn’t have male friends without it feeling like an interview for husband material. It drained me honestly. It wasn’t just the women but the men too. I desired male friends that didn’t lead to sex or a husband.
Once I went to college is when of course a liberation was shown. I broke up with my hometown boyfriend. It was apparent no relationship was going to manage 2 hours away distance. Honestly I didn’t want it to. I knew that if I would have done the work to keep the relationship up it would have ruined our friendship. As open as he wanted me to understand his “needs” it wouldn’t be received in the same spirit. So we departed as I started my journey of finding me.
Freedom on your Own Terms
Now in college not connected I of course dated a few folks but quickly connected with my now husband. We dated off and on and married in 2012. Although women were living on their own terms in college the amount of men that shunned or called them a hoe for doing the same things they were doing was a mess. After college I connected with some amazing women who traveled, found hobbies, and wasn’t in a rush for marriage. Many of them swore off marriage/children or both. It was refreshing. Companionship they desired but not to be tied down to just one person.
Single on Valentine’s Day
So as Valentine’s Day comes it can be a sore spot for many single women. Can they be open to desire someone and have someone spoil them or simply play the marriage waiting game? So do you hang with the person of whom technically by definition you are single but not in a full blown relationship with? Do you go to dinner with an ex just to avoid being alone. I honestly feel like Valentine’s Day was when single people realize the most of their singlehood. I remember vividly being at work on Valentine’s Day where flowers and candy were being delivered trying to figure out what I wanted to do.
Had I had the mindset of the women that I connected with I should have treated Valentine’s Day as a day to renew my wants and desires. Many of these women purposely planned trips around Valentine’s Day. They called it their Christmas. From the holidays into the New Year they simply endured all of the solo torture. So Valentine’s Day week they treated themselves to spa sessions, trips, and took day trips and tried new things. They taught me after college that doing things wasn’t to mask their singlehood. It was simply a celebration of being able to live the life they wanted.
Here are some more single activities you can do on Valentine’s Day:
- Buy yourself a gift
- Travel
- Host a singles only event
- Make dinner reservations for one
- Go to a new bar
- Babysit your friend’s kids so they can enjoy a night out or not that’s them parents’ issues
- Redecorate a space in your home
- Volunteer
- Go to the Aquarium
- Check out single events in your area
Single can be by choice. If it’s not and you desire to be connected, do the things that you want to do instead of the dreaded, when I am married I will list that we tell ourselves. One thing I learned in therapy as a single woman was what I wanted in my person I had to be willing to give. If I wanted someone fit but don’t take care of me I had to change it. Want someone with good credit? Make sure yours is on point. Desire someone who loves to travel, make sure you have a passport and have already taken a trip or more. Lastly do not let anyone tell you that you aren’t worthy of love. We all know that is a lie. Do what is best for you even if that means taking a social media break.
