One of the biggest things that made my move from Lancaster to Philly was lack of support system. I left with a toddler and found out I was pregnant in a matter of moments. So how do you create a support system where one no longer exists?
Who’s in your support system?
When I moved, I left parents, family, friends, and learning how to re-establish relationships and bonds was hard. In my mind I thought that I would leave and cleave to my husband’s family. However that dynamic quickly didn’t work. Some of it my fault and others just a matter of perspective. I had to remember how to depend on myself once again.
I was scared to pick up the pieces of my life. So for years the members of my support group felt lonely. Since it wasn’t the members I wanted I concluded I had no one. All of my reactions came from a victim standpoint. How was I to manage 2 kids under 2 and feel alone?
New Members of Support
So my new normal became different for me in all of the good ways. For instance, I signed up for mommy and me classes. These classes provided me interaction with adults. The kids felt a great sense of play time as they learned music and dance. I took for granted those classes at the beginning. It wasn’t until years later how invaluable those classes were.
I was learning to enlarge who and what was in my support system. My support system changed when I became open to the change.
Friends in the System
For years I was one of the only one to have children. It made it hard when asked if I was coming out!! Coming out for what? I had no energy to run behind kids and go to a club. If I did have energy, the way my body betrayed me had me in the house too. However good friends are there to support you even when you’re not in the best head space. Soon they encouraged me to take care of myself, add balance moments, and to be okay leaning in on others.
How to add Support?
Here are a few things that I did to add support. Keep in mind needing support doesn’t just come in the form of new parenting. Sometimes you need support to navigate a new job, grief, loss of self, divorce, marriage, and so much more.
- Be open to the newness
- Use discretion and discernment
- Add on demand
- Be willing to enlarge your circle
- Create boundaries when necessary
What questions to ask to others in the support systems?
- Why are you willing to help?
- Is there a reward you’re looking for?
- What’s your capacity to help?
- Are you willing to support?
Is your support systems Helping?
Have you ever as an example in parenting make your child’s godparent based on your relationship vs who is going to uphold them if you’re not there? Choosing someone based on relationship vs who’s good for your child is a mistake many do. When was the last time you had a friend who is in your support system but since they don’t like your mate they can’t support you in your marriage?!
Be selective with your support system
Although it may look different that doesn’t mean you just let anyone in it. Be selective. Invest in good people around you so it makes it easier for you to have the right people in your corner. When I look at my friends and close associates they are some of the most amazing people individually and collectively.
It’s easy for me to lean in on their support and grow. If you can’t say that do a self evaluation. You are who you are around. Open up to the possibilities of your support system.
