I would love to say that I’ve always had a bubbly personality. For anyone who struggles with anxiety, I struggled for some reason after college mostly with extreme social anxiety. It was almost like my identity was lost in being a student. Once that was over I couldn’t grasp going outside of my circle and it led to a long journey of overcoming social anxiety.
Who Am I?
Growing up I spoke up. I would be the one that was assertive. Definitely was known to be one who had zero issues being able to call a spade a spade. I charge that to my parents who spoke authentically and boldly around the house. So I had no issues calling people out on mess especially if I perceived it to be disrespectful. I was well spoken, intelligent, and head strong. In case you’re wondering yes, I’m a Taurus. I was the have a plan and not deviate from that plan type of young lady. Also the know what you want and make it happen type of young lady.
Who Have I Become?
As I got older and experienced life there were times I struggled with being bold in new circles. I noticed it right after college. My college Framily (friends + family) were not present. I decided to stay closer to home where outside of my church I hadn’t developed many relationships with others. Since I had decided to cut ties with the church, I didn’t know who I had become. I hung to a very small crowd. The bubbly Toi I had once known I couldn’t find her. Why was I like this? What could I do to change it?
Moving Away
Although my hometown of Lancaster, PA is small, I struggled once again moving to Philadelphia. I hated that I felt as if my friends in Philly were an extension of my fiancé at the time. I’ve talked about my postpartum depression! It’s hard to move past these blocks set for yourself. I decided to blog and in the beginning I never showed pictures of myself. The issue was I wouldn’t be able to establish my voice and brand without me because I am the brand. I am the face of the brand.
New Ventures: Invites and Anxiety
I would accept an invitation and find myself not honoring the invite. As the days got closer, I would make excuses as to why I couldn’t attend. I didn’t have the right outfit, the kids, or I would miraculously get a migraine. It’s true I had issues with migraines. I also had a new post baby body I didn’t know how to dress and I had sick kids who would get sick often and quickly. Although the truth was there I also had these built in excuses.
Have my Cake and Eat it Too
So as my husband who has lived in Philadelphia his whole life is living and enjoying life, here I am on sidelines drowning! I didn’t have a support system, no local friends, and I craved interaction beyond my children’s cartoon characters. So how was I supposed to have a life and I’m struggling with social anxiety.
Little by Little Wins the Race
So I started to get invites to blog events. I wouldn’t go unless my husband could go! So after seeing amazing shots of the events I declined, I knew I had to go even when my husband couldn’t. I started to send the copy of the invites to my husband so that he and I would know that there was an invite. This was about accountability. He would ask me how comfortable I felt missing opportunities to network. I knew I wouldn’t be so him knowing I was about to miss out helped me to accept and go to the event!
Social Events Means I have to Socialize
When I would go either with him or alone I would take almost an additional 20 minutes to warm up! I would go and wouldn’t really meet people. I would talk but not about the important things. For example, not knowing the social media handles so I could follow and have others follow me. This is super important. I struggled to truly network. So my husband suggested I set a goal of the number of people I truly networked with. After awhile it became easier.
You’re not Dressed Right
Someone confronted me at an event. I had on a dress but it wasn’t in the person’s mind fashionable. I had to low key admit this particular event I felt out of place. So one side of me was pricked that I had been called out and the other, felt like what if they were truly helping me. I’m not a fashionista but I could attempt to dress for every event.
So here are a list of things I NOW do that helps me with social anxiety:
- Use Pinterest to find ideas on clothing styles before an event
- Set out what I need to wear so the time I’m getting dressed isn’t frazzled
- Set my home to be as less chaotic-if you’re upset Coming to an event it shows up during network time
- Who are the shakers and movers-make your way to them if (and you will) can survive introducing yourself the rest is cake
- Get there as early as you can-work through a smaller crowd first to help when others come
- Show up-this may mean bringing fear along until it drops off
- Be yourself always-whatever got you the invite shows you’re already amazing as is!
- Set that network goal number and increase the number a little more each event
- Keep smiling-there’s someone new in every room
- Remember the purpose-networks aren’t just about drinks and food it’s about impressions so don’t ever have to do a do-over-you may not get one
Remember stress is real! Anxiety is real! Do the work at home by acknowledging it, getting help, and breathing through difficult situations. You are never in a room to own the whole room. The room is there to make what you bring to it that much bigger! You’re there to highlight the best version of you.
I’ve gotten very comfortable now! I rarely cancel unless I have to. Considering that I a being more recognized a little more than I was when I first started. Thanking my circle for helping me through the difficult times! So anxiety of any kind is hard. You feel like you can’t breath. Remember it’s temporary. Don’t beat yourself up! Over time you will get better. Find smaller goals to accomplish as you break out of social anxiety! You got this!
