How do you assess capacity with your friends? If this is something that is foreign let’s talk about it. The concept of asking your friends if they have the capacity for your mental load along with yours is important. This doesn’t matter if you have a best friend that is always available. Recognizing that mental health and capacity are affected differently for everyone. So how do you assess your friend’s capacity?
Ask your friends about their capacity
Simply before you start to ask your friends to dump your sorrows on them. When my friend was going through a tumultuous divorce last year, she would start off asking me did I have time. Often it was a yes. Then she would ask if I was able to listen in and was fully not overloaded.
It’s respectable. If I too was going through something where I didn’t have the capacity, it’s up to me to be honest about that. To get passed people pleasing, learning to be honest with my friends is key. There were times when I told her no. I told her let me oversee something and I would get back to her in a few days. The exchange between her and I flow on such a higher level because of the mutual respect. It is refreshing. You must know your friends too.
I hate when I hear people make the comment on longevity of a relationship when we gage respect. Do not assume that just because you have been friends forever and a day that people aren’t going through things. People everywhere is doing their best to show up in their lives and circumstances.
Establish a health check in
When I pick up my kids, I ask them how their days went. Knowing as a parent that they may say that the day was good I ask second layering questions. Those include what made your day good? Bad? Give me an example today where you were frustrated and how you managed it. Since I have been doing this for a few years now, the conversations are no longer one sided or one-word answers. Do the same with your friends. Asking them how they are when you check in and going for second layers.
Some examples include:
• What were some of your wins this week?
• How are you coping during the holidays?
• Is there anything specific that you want me to keep in mind for you?
• How often do you find yourself overwhelmed? What do you do when that happens?
Take consideration when friends don’t have capacity
I used to think that when I would tell my friends about something that I am happy about they would hit me with the ok response. I wanted them to have the same level of happiness. That is not only merely selfish but unreasonable. Look at patterns though. If your friend constantly is not celebrating your wins that is different then them not having the same level of excitement.
I stopped telling my friends what I was doing and simply do them. If they want to congratulate me great. If not, I don’t hold the weight of their responses or lack thereof. People are struggling and doing things in their own space. Be considerate of other people’s capacity. It may not have anything to do with you.
Your own Capacity
While we talk about checking in with friends or checking your friend’s capacity, when was the last time your checked your own. Are you easily agitated? Sometimes that is an outward manifestation of our own struggles. People think that mental health looks super sad and overwhelmed. You can be smiling and still feel off. Your heart and mind could have a lot going on too. Do check ins often.
You are deserving of a good mental health space. You also need to be honest as you find solutions. For instance, this is why I do trivial things like decorate my Christmas trees all season long. Meaning I am constantly changing it for various holidays. It keeps me in alignment. Or opening the blinds which my husband and I disagree on. Natural light helps me.
So, this season do some real check ins. Falter from doing only text messaging. Call a friend. Write a friend especially since its national write a friend month. Be considerate of others and especially yourself. Don’t take everything personal. People are doing their best and some may feel like their best is not enough.
