As you know the holidays are a magical time. Everyone is buzzing around and being in the best moods for the most part. Gifts are getting purchased and wrapped. Egg nog is being enjoyed. This is also the time that as we go into the New Year couples who are dating and not yet engaged get antsy.
Now I have blogged several times about ultimatums. I hear many women tell their friends how they are not going into the New Year being nobody’s girlfriend. Either the man they are with needs to propose or else they are out. What usually happens is he doesn’t and they don’t leave and it’s really about you the woman who wants to be engaged to set the tone. Now how you set the tone is not to give the man an ultimatum but give yourself on. Set your own date within yourself and be prepared to stick with it. If you can’t honor yourself and what you will or won’t tolerate how can you expect someone else to do the same?
Foundation Cracks
Now as much as you want him to “put a ring on it ” consider a few things. Does this man have his own place? Like not a spot in a basement somewhere but a place where if you two were to marry you and him can lodge together? If not what is his plan? When I say plan it can’t start off with one day, I would like but there hasn’t been any action like a savings plan, etc. He has to be able to be a provider not just get a nice ring. So the question you need to first ask yourself is why do you want to be entangled with a man with no active plan. You can’t sex your way through a marriage when its time to pay bills or eat. Speaking of bills, how do you pay them? I know with money but are you on time? What is on your credit report? If its bad are you working with an organization to rebuild it. What is the man you want doing about his bills? Do either of you save? Do you have a nest egg saved that if one of you lose a job you have a back up plan? Let’s be real there many people who marry who don’t have this in place but that doesn’t mean its right. Get clear the foundation you want to build. Is that foundation strong. If there are cracks than one or both of you have work to do. So an ultimatum is not necessary, you aren’t ready. Contrary to popular belief my husband had a spread sheet plan which means he had numbers and what he needed in place and as our life took shifts he shifted the numbers around and he still does. He has taught me a lot but that’s one of his strengths that I was aware of before we married. He also knew of anything financial that I had whether good or bad and we devised a plan together to make it stronger. He nor I ran away from these important conversations. Please make sure you do the same.
Ring Wars
Yes women actually compare themselves to one another. Oh the shock. So when the time is right for you and your man to talk about rings be clear. Every big rock doesn’t mean stable marriage. Every little rock stays strong for 20 years or more either. Ring size and choice have so many dimensions. There are women walking around with rings looking like mountains but if you know your diamonds you can see that the actual diamond is cloudy. Get to know rings. Don’t just leave the knowledge up to that man. If you are the type that would have an issue with a certain size than speak up but beware that your man may not take too kindly to it. Rings are supposed to be tokens of his love and what he can afford, what he saved, etc. Do NOT try to get what your best friend has. My best friend and I are both married but my ring has a story of its own and was made by my husband to the likes he knew I would like. Her ring has her own story. The stories do not need to match. Your friend and your marriage will not be the same so stop the comparison game now.
New Year, No more the Girlfriend
If your due date for that ring is Christmas, than what happens? Are you prepared to leave this man the day of or the day after? I would really take to heart what I said about the foundation of your relationship and more importantly yourself. Where have you traveled to? Do you have a passport? Do you have a business action in plan for a business venture you have been trying to get off the ground? What does your personal empire look like? Have you completed school? These dreams need to be either in motion or completed. Marriage is not the end all be all. Your title or new last name is not the only thing you need in life. You need a life goal and to be able to have a life that can be joined to someone else as well as a life that you can have even after you married. How many wives stop working out who were super active before? How many were in school than stopped? We all get in ruts but you must have the mindset to continue to grow as a person while you grow as a couple. Life is about balance. You can’t tip the marital scale and then fail in your work or personal life.
Listen relationships are gray. There is no cookie cutter pattern that you can model and then have a “perfect” relationship. What I think is too long may not fit your time line. However make decisions on ultimatums be about what you want, what you will settle for or put up with. No one has to live with your decisions but you. As much as you love who you are with be sure that the love and effort matches on all sides. There is no need to have wasted years with someone in your gut and actions says they aren’t on the same page as you. With a few days left in the holiday season take some time out with YOU and figure out what you want than you can see if the boo you have been loving on all year-long and beyond is capable of giving you the love you deserve.
