Ask Toi: I just found out that all my life the man I thought was my dad isnt, what should I do?

Well I’m very sad to hear this.  Just because you are an adult doesn’t make it any easier to swallow. I found out pretty early on that my Dad was my stepdad. It’s hurtful. I can’t imagine what you are going through.

Your whole existence has now come into question.  I would sit honestly and attempt to process this.  Have you had a conversation with your mom first?  That’s where I would start to begin to get answers.  You deserve the truth.

Ask Mom about Dad

As a woman I’m noticing that when you have things going on that affect your childhood you don’t become an adult and it just goes away.  Actually what happens is that you end up having to deal with issues more. Talk with your mom  and ask questions.  I wouldn’t come off as judging your mom although it will be hard to do.  I’m hoping you have an open relationship with your mom that this open conversation can take place.  Once you talk with your mom it will guide you to your next step.

Talk to a Therapist about Dad Issues

Once you have gotten as many answers as you possibly can, I would continue to research and make some sense of what happened.  I would also suggest that you seek help from a counselor or pastor that can help you navigate through your feelings.  The worst thing you want to do is make light of how you feel.  You were lied to, betrayed, and even if your family wanted to protect you while you are younger there’s no excuse now that you are an adult.

Transition isn’t Easy

This is not going to be an easy journey. It will be hard to figure out who you are. Trying to put the pieces together will come with frustration. It’s okay to have feelings that fluctuate. You will overcome this if you put in the work. It’s sad that you are in this situation. Now that you are here. Think of what you need. Those needs will change. Be gentle with yourself through this transition. It will not be easy at all. Be angry. Scream. Do not hold it in. It will eat you up if you do.

Praying for you!

Let me know how you make out and I wish you well in your journey of discovery. Know that you won’t always feel like the work is worth it. You will have bad days. You will have days of anger. Remember that so you don’t walk in this situation blindly.

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