I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the grieve that you are dealing with.
Background information: the reader’s mom used to do all of the babysitting when she was alive. The reader wants the dad to step in to fill that void. His inability to do so the reader feels shows his lack of love for her and her children.
Dad Can’t Take her Place
I will caution that what I am going to say is coming from a place of love. Your dad will not be able to fill in for you like your mom did. No one will. While your mom was readily available to take care of your children keep in mind from your own words your dad was working a full time job. You’re essentially asking him to change his role for you to help you cope and that may not be convenient. His bills haven’t changed. If he was working full time at a job he’s most likely going to have to do the same to cover his existence.
Dad is Not a Daycare
Where your mom had the opportunity to provide stability in the form of daycare your dad was the one working allotting her the opportunity to assist you. This simply means is while she wasn’t working she was able to step into the role of caregiver for you. Your dad may not have the financial means to support the home AND be your caregiver. You were blessed to have your mom be a daycare however it wasn’t her responsibility to do so and it’s not your dad’s responsibility to take over in her place.
Still Healing
I know if you are still healing this may sound harsh but trust me when I say it’s not meant to be. Grandparents are there to support and it’s not essential for them to be the caregiver. Like you have to work so does your dad. He can maybe help you in the screening of new daycare or if he’s financially able and wants to he can give towards it, but it’s not from a place of have to. These are your children. You can’t equate his love in the form of changing his role with your children so it can be convenient for you.
Her Presence…
Although this is a rough time the passing of your mom will give you a void in childcare. It’s hard. Her presence has so much more of an impact for how you move in your day to day. I would suggest you begin the process of looking into a different care giving support for you and your family. Is there other family members who can fill the gap until you find suitable care? If so lean on them. Your dad’s love which in your email you suggested is correlated to being a daycare for your kids simply can’t.
Don’t forget he too is grieving. The love of his life is gone. He may not get it right as he navigates his new journey but he also can’t prove his love for you in the form of being your caregiver of your kids and that needs to be okay as well. You Wanting to get out is understandable.
Expectations with your Dad
You working is understandable but where you see it as a necessity to stand in remember it’s always been a blessing and not a demand. Take some time off work to find care. You have and should have that option to get your children adjusted during this new time as well. The arguments that you state gone on quite some time. I think in this particular situation it’s going to come from you relaxing the ideas of what a grandparent’s role is and expectation. You set up expectations on the situation since your mom passed without a proper conversation and understanding from him. As an adult having an expectation that isn’t realistic and biased based would cause a conflict no matter what.
He’s (Dad) is Grieving Too
Try to find ways to help your dad in his grief instead of adding to it so that you can feel better about this one aspect. Kids are a blessing and having someone you love and trust keep them is a blessing that many including myself have had to go without to make ends meet.
I don’t know how active the father or the father’s family is involved. If they can be a form of help that you trust lean on them too. If you are like most families navigating this alone I would suggest counseling, as you attempt to move around in this vacant and raw place. I would hope you and your dad can be stronger together.
Again I sincerely offer my condolences. I wish you well in this new navigation of your life. Please do not lesson your dad to a role he wasn’t walking in. The pressure from you on to him could add to both of your grieving processes so keep that in mind!
